Michelle Obama's magical Lanvin Sneakers that cost nearly $600 a pop (including sales tax).

Michelle Obama’s shiny metallic sneakers must have high-tech, top-secret and marvelously magical powers. You know, superpowers like walking on water, turning water into wine, lowering the national unemployment rate, helping to revive a crappy economy, reversing government overspending, lowering taxes and all that other really nifty hocus-pocus. Barack’s book sales must still be doing splendidly well to afford such unnecessary luxuries. With two White House blunders this week, the Obama administration certainly couldn’t afford this tacky and thoughtless third.

Although, I have to say, it is refreshing to see the First Lady looking so June Cleaver-esque, doing her charity work at a D.C. food bank along with Joe Biden’s wife (whatever her name is) marking their first 100 days in Washington. Since the Presidential Inauguration, Mrs. Obama has become the “it” woman for the mindless, fashionable set. Really, only a MINDLESS NIMWIT would shell out nearly $600 ($565 at Barneys.com – almost six Benjamins when you add D.C.’s 5.575% sales tax – presuming they were bou ght in the District) for a pair of freakin’ SNEAKERS.

Every “lady” knows that there is a certain time and place when it’s sociably acceptable to wear expensive attire. While meeting with heads of state, it would be more reasonable for Mrs. Obama to wear $550+ designer dress shoes. However, when “spreading the wealth” with handouts to the poor it’s not a fine time to flash pricy designer Lanvin sneakers! Maybe I’m totally off and it was a gift from the design house or a hand-me-down courtesy of the Tin Man. Either way, Mrs. Obama, you’re the First Lady of this country, prove to us that your family is fiscally and socially responsible with YOUR OWN MONEY AS WELL AS WITH OURS.

It wasn’t too long ago that many ridiculed damned Sarah Palin for the $150k spent on a new wardrobe for her and her family while on the campaign trail. Or the $520 loafers purchased for Senator John McCain. Sure, $150k from donations on a wardrobe is seemingly above and beyond. And $520 on a pair of dress loafers, in my opinion, isn’t all that bad. I’ve never met a man that owns more than five pair of shoes. So, it’s probably sufficed to say old Johnny’s probably put those puppies to good use. Fortunately for the Obamas, they’ve secured their place as the First Family and no longer need to win the crowd with fancy SNEAKERS. This administration’s inaugural celebration was the MOST EXPENSIVE yet, and with outlandish delicacies like $100 per serving wagyu steaks at cocktail parties this latest faux pas is just another one to add to taxpayers’ shit list.

It would be advisable that the First Lady fire her stylist a.s.a.p. and use good old common sense during these economic downtimes to aid her in her wardrobe choices. And I must say, our Second Lady, Joe Biden’s wife (whatever her name is) looked fetching in comfy silver Tory Burch ballet flats priced at a much SMARTER $195 dollars. As for me, my feet are happy and free in my twelve-buck turquoise blue rubber Havaianas flip-flops.

Three midget Mexican migrant workers are exposed to the Swine Flu virus while riding New York City's subway system.

Vice President Joe Biden went on the Today Show with Matt Lauer this Thursday morning convinced that the Swine Flu is surely going to KILL YOU. Mr. Vice President wants Americans to be smart and avoid confined public places like subway trains, buses and commercial planes that can be breeding grounds for Swine Influenza.

Also noteworthy during this televised interview, Joe Biden renamed Matt Lauer and gave him the highly esteemed and more respectable forename of “Sam”. After all, what middle-aged punk still uses the name “Matt”?

From Mr. Biden’s sage words of advice we’ve surmised our own list of Pig AIDS Swine Flu DO’s and DONT’s.

If You DO NOT YET Have the Deadly Swine Flu

DO avoid the vestibules on planes and the cars on trains as these cramped areas are the perfect breeding grounds for Swine Influenza.

DON’T carpool during the Swine Flu Pandemic, as this is poor for the fragile U.S. economy. Be patriotic and fill your tank full at the pumps to help support your country and the big oil companies.

If You’re CROAKING from Swine Flu

DO your fellow Americans well and keep your filthy germs to yourself.

Again, it’s suggested for the dying to stay at home but if you DO venture out into public it’s advisable to wear a medical mask AND a burqa. If you DO ride the subway ONLY sneeze and cough on the illegal Mexican migrant and restaurant workers. This epidemic is most likely their fault, and as a loyal American it’s your duty to fight biological warfare.

DON’T go to work and infect your co-workers. If you have to go to work before you kick the bucket DO refrain yourself from licking all telephone receivers in your office environment. For some, this may be especially difficult. After licking receivers DO make sure to wash your hands followed by a lemon-sized dollop of hand sanitizer.

For the other hundreds of millions of Americans who have contracted the Pig Plague, again if able, DO stay at home in your own private, restricted space. Closet spaces are ideally confined and you’ll protect your healthy loved ones while you securely rot away your last days. Think of it as your own personal sanctuary prior to the mortuary.

Readers, please feel free to add your Swine Flu DO’s and DON’Ts in the comment section below. After all, it’s the patriotic thing to DO!