Stocks are too low, oil is too high, what to do, what to do to rebuild confidence in our financial markets... How about first we reinstitute the uptick rule so you can only short stocks when they go up. Yeah, good scapegoat! If anything, since this rule was repealed about a year ago we've seen more short squeezes by players looking to scare out weak hands than ever before. How about last week's real whopper, where crappy near-bankrupt stocks like Fannie Mae shot up over 100% in a matter of days! Jim Cramer also wants to reinstate the rule, ranting about how he used to slam down stocks at his leisure. Wasn't the uptick rule in effect while he played these games, and didn't Cramer himself nearly get wiped out early on by some huge short squeeze in a stock he tried to pummel down? Eh, shut up. I told you the market was gonna crash this year - 14,500 target on the DOW my ass - buy Thornburg and Countrywide! Booyah THAT, bitch!

Lets also make it illegal to short any of the major banking and brokerage stocks - forget that they've all screwed up their balance sheets so royally and mismanaged their finances so recklessly that their stocks should be priced with a minus sign - that'll help prop 'em up some! Even better, how about making it illegal for anyone to sell these stocks for any reason whatsoever! That should really keep 'em afloat!

Back to oil, we propose a new downtick rule so you can only buy oil-related assets when oil prices go down! Forget about blaming outrageous political and monetary policies, let's blame all the speculators and drastically increase margin requirements. That should certainly scare away all those evil speculators who must be piling on their long positions. Hmmm. Still wonder why we had such a huge short-squeeze soon after that announcement. Guess all the speculators were actually caught SHORT!!! Hmmm, maybe we need more of those short people. Let's allow naked shorting on anything oil related, that could help! It's awesome how much fun this all is! Let's tinker some more...

We'd better crack down on those naked short people in stocks. Naked shorts only belong in PlayBoy - that's sexy bada-bada-sha-wing! - not in the market, and we will get the naked shorts. Actually, didn't SEC already enacted Regulation SHO in January 2005 to target abusive naked short selling by reducing failure to deliver securities? If there really is a problem with naked shorts, I guess it just highlights how totally incompetent the SEC truly is. A broker dealer may not accept a short sale order without first having to borrow the stock being sold, while making exemptions for brokers making markets or selling on behalf of customers. If there is any fraud going on here, maybe the brokers should be checked out for some good 'ole sloppy palm-greasing festivities. If the SEC wants to come down on fraud and manipulation, how about checking out some of the crazy trading in LBAS last December, or who spread all those Fannie and Freddie rumors a few weeks back.

Bernanke told lawmakers it's "important" for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac bonds and stocks to rise so they can keep raising capital and aid the mortgage market. Paulson said the two companies are "essential" because they represent the only "functioning" part of the home loan market. Is that with or without the crutches and the "emergency" no short sale rules? These firms own or guarantee about half of the $12 trillion in U.S. mortgages. China also tried placing short sale restrictions on stocks, and it still didn't stop the Shanghai index from falling over 50%. Insolvency and financial incompetence can't be cured by short sale restrictions. And what to do once the shorts have all been driven out of these stocks? What idiot would even consider investing their hard-earned capital in such garbage, managed by scum who would be better suited for hard prison time as someone's blindfolded bitch. Maybe they can find some sucker sovereign wealth fund to take the bait. Or I know - even better, let's make a rule requiring all mutual funds to make mandatory investments in these exciting long, long, long, long-term buy-buy-buy opportunities! Ya gotta love it, I had no idea this could all be so much fun!

We've also thought of prosecuting those who spread so many of these false and reckless rumors such as those that continually appear on CNBC. However, it seems that many of them have worked to either prop up financials or pummel down oil-related stocks, and we wouldn't want to interfere with anything that helps further our political agenda of blinding the public to the real causes of all our problems. If so, most of our government representatives and the members of the Federal Reserve, a near-wholely owned subsidiary of Goldman Sachs, would be hung by their "frickin nuts" for treason and shown about as much mercy as Benito Mousilini. Bend over bitch! Oh my, that tickles...

This all brings up another question, wasn't the Sarbanes-Oxley Act supposed to make sure such financial shenanigans were impossible to perpetrate. Yet we now find ourselves dealing with the largest frauds in all our history. I guess in the end Congress only managed to grease the palms of all those firms who raked in billions in increased regulatory compliance fees while again solving absolutely nothing. Hmmm, I wonder who was lobbying for that one... It wouldn't happen to be larger companies who could find ways around it anyway, not to mention that it would severely hamper their smaller competitors who couldn't so easily absorb the additional compliance costs? I can't begin to tell you how many stock listings our country has lost because of it.

Anyway, all this talk of how to best manipulate our free and open markets has now made me quite tired, so I'm going to go take a nap while I try to come up with even more ways we can keep our piggybank eh hem - did I say that out loud?! - our markets free and open for the greater good of the American taxpayers. We would also like to take a moment to thank our sponsors, Goldman Sachs, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Citigroup, JP Morgan Chase, Barclays PLC, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, Morgan Stanley, UBS, ... Pass me the pork, bitch!