Vice President Joe Biden went on the Today Show with Matt Lauer this Thursday morning convinced that the Swine Flu is surely going to KILL YOU. Mr. Vice President wants Americans to be smart and avoid confined public places like subway trains, buses and commercial planes that can be breeding grounds for Swine Influenza.
Also noteworthy during this televised interview, Joe Biden renamed Matt Lauer and gave him the highly esteemed and more respectable forename of “Sam”. After all, what middle-aged punk still uses the name “Matt”?
From Mr. Biden’s sage words of advice we’ve surmised our own list of Pig AIDS Swine Flu DO’s and DONT’s.
If You DO NOT YET Have the Deadly Swine Flu
DO avoid the vestibules on planes and the cars on trains as these cramped areas are the perfect breeding grounds for Swine Influenza.
DON’T carpool during the Swine Flu Pandemic, as this is poor for the fragile U.S. economy. Be patriotic and fill your tank full at the pumps to help support your country and the big oil companies.
If You’re CROAKING from Swine Flu
DO your fellow Americans well and keep your filthy germs to yourself.
Again, it’s suggested for the dying to stay at home but if you DO venture out into public it’s advisable to wear a medical mask AND a burqa. If you DO ride the subway ONLY sneeze and cough on the illegal Mexican migrant and restaurant workers. This epidemic is most likely their fault, and as a loyal American it’s your duty to fight biological warfare.
DON’T go to work and infect your co-workers. If you have to go to work before you kick the bucket DO refrain yourself from licking all telephone receivers in your office environment. For some, this may be especially difficult. After licking receivers DO make sure to wash your hands followed by a lemon-sized dollop of hand sanitizer.
For the other hundreds of millions of Americans who have contracted the Pig Plague, again if able, DO stay at home in your own private, restricted space. Closet spaces are ideally confined and you’ll protect your healthy loved ones while you securely rot away your last days. Think of it as your own personal sanctuary prior to the mortuary.
Readers, please feel free to add your Swine Flu DO’s and DON’Ts in the comment section below. After all, it’s the patriotic thing to DO!